Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
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I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist