Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
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Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos