[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
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What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.