Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Me: Do you want me to shave your pits for you, babe?
Husband: Please just say “I’ll cut the peaches” like a normal person
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[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
[stacks of books on floor]
[son places pizza on one stack, soda & cookies on others]
“Yep; perfect height” [turns on Xbox]
MOM: You give that back to him, mister
ME: Ok mom
MOM: and what do we say now?
ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.