@justokpanda

Me: Do you want me to shave your pits for you, babe?

Husband: Please just say “I’ll cut the peaches” like a normal person

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@markydoodoo

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

@theroneman

[stacks of books on floor]
Impressive, son.
[son places pizza on one stack, soda & cookies on others]
“Yep; perfect height” [turns on Xbox]

@Sickayduh

MOM: You give that back to him, mister
ME: Ok mom
MOM: and what do we say now?
ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl

@Jandalize

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

@LostFelicia

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

@TweetPotato314

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

@pauleggleston

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

@smithsara79

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*