‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
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My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Haha good job!!
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp