me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

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[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon


[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]

ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?

LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it


another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car


It feels weird when someone congratulates me for quitting smoking, because it’s something nobody should do to their body.

Congrats on not drinking bleach!
Me: Thanks. It’s tough, but the Clorox patch helped.


Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.


my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot


Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.


honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good


Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.


spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you