@tiemoose

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

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@Quartzjixler

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

@lisaxy424

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

@theshamingofjay

God: thou shall not kill
Me: but my coworker whistles all day
God: still no
Me: he says ciao instead of goodbye
God: do what you have to

@Playing_Dad

*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.

@PaperWash

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

@flashember

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

@kidnapped_jesus

Angel : So how’s it going down there

God: They’ve created something called a ‘five day work week’

Angel: That sounds terrible

God: Oh it is, I literally couldn’t think of something worse and I once turned a woman into a salt lick lmao

@SardonicTart

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.