Hilarious Architecture Fails
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
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People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
God: thou shall not kill
Me: but my coworker whistles all day
God: still no
Me: he says ciao instead of goodbye
God: do what you have to
*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
ME: goodnight honey
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Angel : So how’s it going down there
God: They’ve created something called a ‘five day work week’
Angel: That sounds terrible
God: Oh it is, I literally couldn’t think of something worse and I once turned a woman into a salt lick lmao
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.