@tiemoose

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

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@PleaseBeGneiss

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

@TheHyyyype

[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]

ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?

LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it

@EliTerry

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

@EddieHarris216

It feels weird when someone congratulates me for quitting smoking, because it’s something nobody should do to their body.

Congrats on not drinking bleach!
Me: Thanks. It’s tough, but the Clorox patch helped.

@elunatyk

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

@ch000ch

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

@hasht4g

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

@CornOnTheGoblin

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

@serendipitydon1

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

@justokdane

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you