Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
You Might Also Like
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides