@ihateitmunky

Me: do you want to hear what happened to the last guy who threatened me

Bumper cars operator: i meant your time is up like get off the ride

You Might Also Like

@thejessbess

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

@sofarrsogud

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

@rickkondell

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

@lisaxy424

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

@bdbdleeroybrown

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

@Juicedballs

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

@SortaBad

Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*