I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Me: do you want to hear what happened to the last guy who threatened me
Bumper cars operator: i meant your time is up like get off the ride
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People on facebook are a different breed
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Man I love unicorn mating season…
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
Ah St Patrick’s Day I better eat some Irish food
*pours self bowl of Lucky Charms*