“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
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Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.