@WhaJoTalkinBout

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

You Might Also Like

@motrboatr

There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.

@amandajpanda

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

@ibid78

[commercial]
“I’m tired of fruits that taste good.”
Narrator: GRAPEFRUIT

@CornOnTheGoblin

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

@SuperJonny64

What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?

@DaHess1

Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice..

*70 million white women turn around*

@thepaulahunt

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

@refreshingslurp

Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets

Him: no seriously where is my insulin

@cerebralbeef

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.