Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Employees must applaud the planets.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Tier 3 meme
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.