@WhaJoTalkinBout

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

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@feasibleweasel

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

@Cheeseboy22

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

@donttouchjames

me: i want to be inside of u so bad

gym manager: [through the glass] sir we’re not open

@mommy_cusses

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

@SteveCarell

Flight attendant:”Would you like the chicken or the pasta?”
Me:”What would you suggest?”
Flight Attendant:”Eat before you get on the plane.”

@Cpin42

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

@EndhooS

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

@donjuantip

Your cell should have a ‘drunk mode’ like ‘airplane mode’ so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

@Donna_McCoy

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.