Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

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There’s no toilet paper in this stall so I guess I live here now.


If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.


“I’m tired of fruits that taste good.”


date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this


What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?


Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice..

*70 million white women turn around*


LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.


Me, a magician: we never reveal our secrets

Him: no seriously where is my insulin


The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.