Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
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[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.