ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
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Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome