I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
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If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Me [making the jerk off motion]
Friend [jerking off]: WHY ARE YOU IN HERE?!
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …
We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
terrifying if real: electric slide
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My MIL recently had an amazing recovery from a serious illness. Everyone was saying what a fighter she is.
I’d have to agree, I mean she’ll literally fight with anyone.