Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
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I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I will put you in your place. -me to everything because OCD
Whatever Mom, IF THAT’S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Every time you sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” I’m reminded how much I disapprove of My son’s friends.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun