@RedRegenerated

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

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@FloodyHippie

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

@Maxine12333

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

@SteveKoehler22

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

@rockymomax

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

@SwedishCanary

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

@ItsSamG

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

@The_Albinoshrek

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

@ddsmidt

My MIL recently had an amazing recovery from a serious illness. Everyone was saying what a fighter she is.

I’d have to agree, I mean she’ll literally fight with anyone.