ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
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A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
😎 🍻
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.