ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

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Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.


I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.


My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*



If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.


Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.


Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.


[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out


Having standards is important, so having double standards is even better than that because it means you have twice as many standards.


“You knew what you were getting into, Charlene”
“Jim your addiction to long walks on the beach is destroying our marriage”