ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

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I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.


If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.


Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.


Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.


I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos


My MIL recently had an amazing recovery from a serious illness. Everyone was saying what a fighter she is.

I’d have to agree, I mean she’ll literally fight with anyone.