Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
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Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about