I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
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the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Solving a traffic jam
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”