me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
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Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.