@mrjohndarby

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

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@Staggfilms

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed

@Pirate_nurse

Thanks to this HUGE spider web I just walked into we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked

@tsm560

When someone hasn’t tweeted in a while I always wonder if they’re okay… as if being on here is a sign of mental and emotional stability

@truegritrumble

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

@thatUPSdude

50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy, he will now be known as 50. Story is he doesn’t have a cent to his name.

*drops the mic walks away*

@DrDogMD

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?