I have 2 moods:
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
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Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed
I’m straight but not “get my alibi” straight.
Thanks to this HUGE spider web I just walked into we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked
#tbt that time i killed a bug and traumatized a child.
When someone hasn’t tweeted in a while I always wonder if they’re okay… as if being on here is a sign of mental and emotional stability
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy, he will now be known as 50. Story is he doesn’t have a cent to his name.
*drops the mic walks away*
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?