Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
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What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?