Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini