Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
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“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Y’all ready for this
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.