Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
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I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice