ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
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I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I seriously can’t stop laughing 😂😂
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror