@copymama

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

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@iGreenMonk

My dog just fell off the bed.

I’m glad I’m not the only one drunk around here.

@TheAlexNevil

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

@UncleDuke1969

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

@anniealone23

A message for my stalker:

I’m cool with the whole stalking thing but, like, could you PLEASE turn the coffee pot on for me in the morning

@thejessbess

This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.

@sixthformpoet

1: Steal ice cream van 2: Drive around slowly but never stop 3: Be proud to have helped prepare children for life’s many disappointments

@AristotlesNZ

5yo: Dad! Dad! Wake up!
Me: What? What’s wrong?
5yo: You said last night you need to be up by 7..
Me: It’s 4am!
5yo: I can’t tell time..

@KylePlantEmoji

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

@nyquills

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire