ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
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“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Well, that should do it
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”