ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
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“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.