spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
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Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?