ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
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I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit