Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
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I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.