Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
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My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
❤️❤️❤️
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
wut hotdog?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
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[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.