Does any one know a program that converts mp3’s into Nutella?
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
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Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.
You better lock your doors tonight, person who taught my parents texting.
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Me: sorry I was on mute
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?