Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

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Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries


the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters


waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine


Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.


You better lock your doors tonight, person who taught my parents texting.



cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me


[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute


[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?