@JohnLyonTweets

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

@iamspacegirl

the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

@drankturpentine

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

@HallpassCanada

Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.

@possibilyss

You better lock your doors tonight, person who taught my parents texting.

@Skoogeth

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

@RodLacroix

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

@3sunzzz

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?