Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
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Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.