@wandering_leaf9

*Me & dog*
*duel for the last piece of chicken*
*tosses a stick to distract*
*fetches the stick*
*chicken is gone*

Well played Peanut…!!

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@captainkalvis

me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

@AlexvanBeek

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

@Sal0630

GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me?

Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe.

@shutupmikeginn

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

@Drytown1

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

@Gupton68

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

@Parkerlawyer

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

@QwertyJones3

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.