Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
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[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!