me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier
sperm bank employee: what glass of milk
me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
sperm bank employee: oh my god
sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk
*Me & dog*
*duel for the last piece of chicken*
*tosses a stick to distract*
*fetches the stick*
*chicken is gone*
Well played Peanut…!!
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
GF looking at lines in carpet: Aww, you vacuumed for me?
Me: *flashback to me rollerblading in the living room* Sure did, babe.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.