me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
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Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up