me: dogs have 4 legs


me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

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Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.


15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’


*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*

“What’s this idiot doing?”


I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.


PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]



Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.


*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.


You can’t control how people treat you but you can control your reaction, I say as I gently lower you into your grave


My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.