Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

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Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub


“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people


I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..


The efficient part about falling asleep on the toilet at work is that inevitably someone who had beans for lunch will come and wake you.


Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”


My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.


Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS3 in return.


ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me


That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.