Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.