Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
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I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
there has never been a better use of this meme
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no