Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
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Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it