Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.


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Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock


*drops mic*
*drops mic*
*drops mic*
*drops mic*
*drops mic*
*drops mic*
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Octopus after owning some1 in a rap battle


Dont kill anyone in a jealous rage.

Calm down and plan that shit first.


*creating garbage cans*
God: “That’s where trash goes”

*creating my twitter*
God: “That’s where trash comes from”


What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?


Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.


Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle


•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?


What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.