@NewDadNotes

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

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@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i say “ruh roh” in a scooby doo voice when i mess up

HER: yes

ME: (under breath) ruh roh

@robfee

My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka’s tour.

@timdonakowski

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

@IamEnidColeslaw

if Lindsay Lohan can call herself an artist, I can call myself a german shepherd

@AngieDavisHaha

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

@KyleMcDowell86

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit