I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
You Might Also Like
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
scrabbled eggs
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.