ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
You Might Also Like
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…