@FeelingEuphoric

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

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@mama_earp

Announced sternly to students today that “only hard things are worth doing!” In other news, I have a bunch of parent emails to respond to.

@SvnSxty

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

@Holy_Mowgli

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

@Talkative_Julie

It’s not like I can let everyone on facebook know that I am actually a sexually deprived, unshaven, drunken mess.

So I tell everyone here.

@DaddyJew

Me: I thought I told you no more snacking

8: it’s an energy bar

Me: then why are there m&m’s on them?

8: duh…that’s where the energy comes from

@junejuly12

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

@Tmoney68

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

@Peauxtassium

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

@lazerdoov

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway