Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
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I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.