me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
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The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.