@50FirstTates

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

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@Ygrene

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

@birbigs

if aliens show up and they’re nice, we’ll take them captive. and if they’re mean, they’ll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.

@2tickytacky

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

@ObscureGent

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

@farahfergie

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

@pleatedjeans

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

@JeffisTallguy

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

@WilliamAder

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

@neiltyson

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.