[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
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if aliens show up and they’re nice, we’ll take them captive. and if they’re mean, they’ll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.