I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
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Therapist: Your unhealthy attachment style is preventing you from developing normal relationships
Me: What do you mean, babe?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
“Makin all the ladies drop they panties” I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria’s Secret.
I’m literally crying
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
The barber asked me “do u have any kids” & I said “I do not, no” and he got very quiet, realize now he probs thought I said “I do not know”
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking