@aborteddreams

Me doing When someone
Something alone. is watching.

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@SeanLowe09

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

@ThisLocalHater

Therapist: Your unhealthy attachment style is preventing you from developing normal relationships
Me: What do you mean, babe?

@TheWeirdWorld

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

@iamspacegirl

“Makin all the ladies drop they panties” I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria’s Secret.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

@benicus_rex

The barber asked me “do u have any kids” & I said “I do not, no” and he got very quiet, realize now he probs thought I said “I do not know”

@ThisOneSayz

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

@elisemarie91

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking