I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
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At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.