me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
You Might Also Like
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Ironic
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.