Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
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FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!
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A free corpse is a dead giveaway.
ME: wanna see a magic trick?
ME: yikes *writes “27 years old and still believes in magic” in notebook*
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
A weeping willow tree is just like a regular willow tree only married