@FredTaming

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

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@mysteryteacher

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

@IamEnidColeslaw

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

@Leemanish

FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!

@TheHyyyype

[speed-dating]

ME: wanna see a magic trick?

HER: sure!

ME: yikes *writes “27 years old and still believes in magic” in notebook*

@SoulYodeler

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

@ssholeEric

A weeping willow tree is just like a regular willow tree only married