I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
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In every relationship, there is one partner who provides the stability and comfort while the other partner brings the moth infestation.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[Imagine Dragons Concert]
me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK