me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

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I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.


In every relationship, there is one partner who provides the stability and comfort while the other partner brings the moth infestation.


My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.


[Imagine Dragons Concert]

me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*


I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.


Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen


Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.


I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.