Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
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[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.