@figgled

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ?🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

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@Iwriteforcats

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

@WilliamAder

The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

@stonedcoldlazy

Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!

@bea_ker

Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them

@XplodingUnicorn

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

@RocketRankoon

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

@sarcasticmommy4

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.