I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ?🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
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I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!
Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*swivels around in evil chair*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.