@figgled

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ?🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

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@Bizarro_Mark

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

@ArfMeasures

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

@TheMichaelRock

You think 70 degrees yesterday and snow today is funny, Mother Nature?

*empties 326 cans of hairspray outside*

Knock that shit off!

@Sophie2078

Auto correct changed naughty with nausea and it was the best decision i ever made in this relationship.

@QwertyJones3

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

@Celestinelea90

My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.

@rzarosco

Oh that’s neat so you’re a Cancer? Wait…astrologically or to society?