Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
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I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?