Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
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the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
True.
😩😩😩
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”