@ShellHasDragons

Me: *Don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be we..
Him: Hi
Me: OMG YES of COURSE pygmies are little people!!!

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@TheDweck

Imagine having the best possible excuse to not see family for the holidays and then just… not using it?

@WritePlay

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

@FeelingMervis

DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.

@0point5twins

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

@tsm560

Your tweets remind me of a Rubik’s Cube. I can’t figure those out either

@TragicAllyHere

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

@pilau

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

@hansabumsadaisy

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@R_A_Dadass

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.