[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
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marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
“You drive, I’m tired.”
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!