Imagine having the best possible excuse to not see family for the holidays and then just… not using it?
Me: *Don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be we..
Me: OMG YES of COURSE pygmies are little people!!!
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White women are wilding out here
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
DATING TIP: You never want to seem too easy! So set up a date and never show up.
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Your tweets remind me of a Rubik’s Cube. I can’t figure those out either
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.
#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.