I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
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What kind of name for a storm is “Debby?”
Hurricanes should have names like “Satan”
No one should have their house destroyed by “Heather.”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…
If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.