@SvnSxty

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

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@jellybnbonanza

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

@genehunter1

What kind of name for a storm is “Debby?”

Hurricanes should have names like “Satan”

No one should have their house destroyed by “Heather.”

@lunch_enjoyer

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

@dmc1138

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

@david8hughes

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

@drinksmcgee

Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…

@shadonium

If I had a dollar every time my phone’s battery dies, I

@Social_Mime

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.