@SvnSxty

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

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@deedles420

Jesus dies and comes back three days later: he’s the Messiah.

But I do it and suddenly I’m “patient zero” and it’s all “oh god just kill it!” and “aim for it’s head!!”

@samalmightysam

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

@JesKeepSwimming

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

@sass_n_ass

No thanks, Winter Olympics. If I wanted to see a bunch of white people playing in the snow, I’d hop on over to Facebook.

@TheMichaelRock

It’s difficult to be romantic when your dog always eats the trail of McNuggets leading to the bedroom.

@JimViscardi

The first Transformer that comes to Earth will look like a Tesla.

@GrumpyBahr

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

@MartaEffing

I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.