Jesus dies and comes back three days later: he’s the Messiah.
But I do it and suddenly I’m “patient zero” and it’s all “oh god just kill it!” and “aim for it’s head!!”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
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My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
No thanks, Winter Olympics. If I wanted to see a bunch of white people playing in the snow, I’d hop on over to Facebook.
If you’re ambushed at night, technically you got pmbushed
It’s difficult to be romantic when your dog always eats the trail of McNuggets leading to the bedroom.
The first Transformer that comes to Earth will look like a Tesla.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.