The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
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Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
All excellent questions
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.