Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
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Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]
*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*
I told the bank teller that I was changing banks & wanted to open an account
“Great. What’s the name of your former bank?”
I said, “Piggy”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*