@IamJackBoot

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

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@Jandalize

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

@FBSisnothere

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

@CherBear162

If vid games answered back in real time they’d move lots more units

I DIED? BULLSHIT!

“Maybe if you didn’t suck..”

*slams x-box on floor*

@GeorgeTakei

Overheard:
Missed opportunity: Who decided to call it “possession of marijuana” instead of “joint custody”?

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

@sammyrhodes

Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.

@SimplyEffortful

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

@CoolFreak_Amy

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?