@IamJackBoot

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

@AnniemuMary

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

@david8hughes

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

@joejwest

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

@pitbull_wizard

[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]

*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*

@iGreenMonk

I told the bank teller that I was changing banks & wanted to open an account

“Great. What’s the name of your former bank?”

I said, “Piggy”

@DannyZuker

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

@AmishPornStar1

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

@MollyERA

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*