@sixfootcandy

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

You Might Also Like

@Kids_kubed

Husband’s Last Words

I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!

@Chel__CLE

Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it’s not real life.

@BoogTweets

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

@heyitsJudeD

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

@Reverend_Scott

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

@AnOrangeSNES

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

@RodLacroix

After they get through the Greek alphabet they start naming hurricanes after Fast and Furious films.

@lloydrang

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

@kelownagoose

A grown mans’ nemesis should not be a classmate of my 7 year old.

But here we are.

*knocks juice box out of her hand.

@Priscilla_YEAH

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.