Husband’s Last Words
I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
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Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it’s not real life.
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
After they get through the Greek alphabet they start naming hurricanes after Fast and Furious films.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
A grown mans’ nemesis should not be a classmate of my 7 year old.
But here we are.
*knocks juice box out of her hand.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.