Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side