Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
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Didn’t u hate it when as a kid u got the “mystery flavor” lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?
You are under arrest
My friend told me I’m delusional. I almost fell of my rhino…
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I am a gravy boat captain
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.