ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
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I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
best first i’ve ever seen