Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
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As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
That’s no pocket rocket.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I’m literally crying
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
When ur friends with white people
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection